Facing My Body Issues

Yesterday my mom took me out to shop because I only have 2 pairs of jeans that I haven’t grown out of over the years, because before recently, I would never buy anything straight out of a store unless I really needed it. And this time I really needed it. My blue jeans ripped because they snagged somewhere and ripped. Normally, I wouldn’t mind the rip – ripped jeans are in trend now after all. BUT THE RIP WAS IN THE BACK RIGHT BELOW MY BUTT. Oh my goodness. So right now it is getting fixed, but my mother insisted on getting new jeans yesterday and off we went. We commuted to the mall and we went to a store that sold mostly jeans.

Okay, before I continue, I’m going to tell narrate why I only had 2 pairs of jeans. It’s not that I hated going to the mall or anything like that – I love going out, it’s my body that I hate. I love the idea of going shopping and getting myself new clothes but I hate the crippling anxiety that hits me as soon as I see myself in the mirror inside the dressing room. I hate my body so much and I am so frustrated with the way it is. I have a pooch on my lower belly, my stomach is otherwise pretty flat, my thighs are huge. Like I struggle to find bottoms that fit right. My ass is way bigger than I’d like it to be. My feet are a size 9 – which is pretty fucking big for an Asian. To be honest, I’m way too fucking big for an Asian. Asians are petite. I am everything but that. And it makes me feel like shit because I know I can do way better. I can look way better, feel way better but I am so crippled by myself hate that not a lot has been happening. Okay to give you guys an idea – by American standards I am a medium at most, but here in Asia, I’m a large or extra-large. This bothers me so much. I’m not obese, not even close, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be unhappy.

I was actually okay for a while, I started doing Pilates on my own via the Blogilates beginners workout calendar. It was going wonderful until I did a workout that wasn’t in my regimen. I injured my calves and wasn’t able to get around for some days. I couldn’t work out – I had to wait for my recovery just as I was seeing some major results and it frustrated me so much. At the same time, we were going on a trip that same week to go finish some business out of town and see some relatives. I don’t know. They joke about my thighs and butt and my body image in general. It makes me feel so insecure because hello, it’s not my fault my build is big. My bone structure is big.

That was a week or so ago and I’ve not been able to work out as much since. I’ve been way too busy to keep to my daily regimen and have been trying so hard to make up for the days I’ve lost.

Back to the story: I was basically sent into an anxiety attack in the dressing room. And that sent me into a body hating frenzy once again. I just hated my size and the way I looked so much. Everyone my age seemed to dress better and look better and feel better and look smaller and I just couldn’t take it. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Today, I felt the same, until I fully committed to my regimen again. I figured nothing would change if I just got depressed over it so I worked my ass off. Now, as I type, I’m feeling way better and learned a few things.

• Self-love is not a steady thing. Some days it’s gonna be way harder. You have to find something that makes you feel better. For me it’s working out. The endorphins just have a way of washing away bad vibes. Find your happy place somewhere, in something or someone.
• Anxiety is ugly, but it doesn’t mean I’m ugly. Quite frankly, I’m beautiful. I’m working to be the best version of myself and am nowhere near ugly. Neither are you
• You don’t have to be that standard. Bodies are different, and definitions of beauty are infinite. Be your own definition, set your own standards. Put your happiness first – because it’s way more important than being a size zero. But if being a size zero is what will make you happy; by all means, go for it – just don’t risk your health.

 

Also, Blogilates has been really helping me get over my body issues a lot lately. Cassey is such a sweet person and really makes you feel good when you work out. She’s a ray of sunshine and if any of you are having any body issues like me, her workouts definitely help put you in a good mood and leave you feeling a good kind of sore!

 

Blogilates.com

Youtube.com/blogilates

 

Please don’t be as hard on yourselves as I was/can be. And if you are, please let me know and we’ll get through it the best we can, together.

 

Sincerely,

Nikki

 

Ps.

I was actually planning on posting something like this for a while but every time I would try, I’d end up crying so I’m really super happy to finally get this all off my chest